Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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