Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
