the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
