So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
