Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
