as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
