Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
