Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
