last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Your penis caused this!
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