Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
