we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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