turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We have so much sex to catch up on
Send help, water and tortillas.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
