I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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