i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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