how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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