broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
