Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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