I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
