My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
