Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
