The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
