She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
