I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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