watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
