So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
