just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pants are for mortals
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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