ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
