If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
A+ Viking dick
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
