I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
