More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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