i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
