I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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