I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
