i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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