My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
