just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
