My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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