Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So apparently I’m into choking now
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
