On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
