I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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