I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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