I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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