my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
