I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
