office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
