He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
