I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
