After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
