apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
