Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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