I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
