A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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